Free as a Bird
When I first got sick in 2019, I made it my full-time job and number one priority to find the REASON for my sickness - because debilitating headaches, vision and hearing loss, and uncontrollable muscle spasms are NOT normal. I saw my PCP, ENT, hematologist, rheumatologist, gastroenterologist, and 5 different neurologists, including a Neurological Ophthalmologist and a Neurological ENT. I went through months of testing, including a 3-hour brain MRI and a spinal tap that caused a spinal leak, 3-night hospitalization, and a blood patch to correct.
I sought out doctors who wouldn’t give up and would think outside the box. When I reached a dead end, I would find a new doctor and start all over again. I was not content with the fact that my life was altered so dramatically without a sound and reasonable explanation.
After about 8 months of this roller coaster ride, the only concrete “diagnosis” they could give me was severe anemia and unexplained inflammation.
It wasn’t until I saw my OB for irregular bleeding that things started to make sense. When she performed a hysteroscopy to remove the uterine growth found via ultrasound, she told me that I had endometriosis. And truthfully, it wasn’t until 2 years and 2 major surgeries later that I truly grasped the scope of this incurable disease and just how much it affected my entire body - not just my reproductive organs. The above-mentioned neurological symptoms were caused by the chronic inflammation that is a byproduct of this disease. Simply put, the inflammation had spread to my brain, putting pressure on my optic nerves, causing a plethora of symptoms.
“There. Everything is tied up with a pretty little bow.”
LOL. Not really.
After my most recent surgery in which my Gynecologic Oncologist burned away scar adhesions, removed a large mass attached to my intestines, and peeled my cervix away from my bladder, I truly thought this would be the end of it. Clearly, I didn’t read the whole “incurable” portion in my endometriosis pamphlet.
So when I landed myself in the emergency room due to a hemorrhagic ovarian cyst when I was less than 5 weeks post-op, I was angry. I felt betrayed by my doctor and by my stupid, stubborn, silly body. Isn’t that what the extremely painful surgery just did? Remove the cysts and adhesions?!
““Most women who undergo surgeries similar to yours, will not encounter endometriosis-related issues for 2-3 years post-op. Your surgery bought you 4 weeks.””
Well. If there was a trophy for a medical over-achiever, I would certainly win, hands down!
Clearly, this disease isn’t going anywhere. Well, not until my body goes through menopause and my monstrous, estrogen-inducing ovaries finally go to sleep… forever.
So now I’m back on the wonderful Lupron Depot injections, which put my body into chemical menopause, for the next 2-3 years until I will be forced into yet another painful, major surgery in which my doctor will permanently remove my ovaries and then, hopefully, permanently remove these awful symptoms.
When I left that appointment, I cried. A lot. And when I told my husband, his heartbroken response made me cry even more. We both felt like there was no end in sight.
And then something happened when I woke up the next morning.
For the first time in months, or years even, I felt a purpose. I felt a strong desire to MOVE FORWARD. I felt a deep sense of ownership in my own health. It was as if the last 3 years were controlled by doctor appointments, prescriptions, medical testing, and darkness and I was finally opening my eyes and waking up to the world of possibilities in front of me! I put myself on a radical anti-inflammatory diet, started supplements that would naturally restore iron in my body, and went for a walk. A walk sounds like no big deal to you, I’m sure, but to someone who was bed-ridden for weeks on end, and could very easily have stayed in that perfectly me-shaped crevice in my bed, a walk meant my literal first steps toward freedom and light.
A few weeks later, I walked into a tattoo parlor and permanently imprinted this change on my body.
Birds are born with the natural ability to know when to prepare for change. Baby birds face the huge transition from complete dependency (or nestlings) to living outside of the nest (or fledglings). Their wings grow stronger to support their flight and their confidence to hunt and forage for food strengthens. And of course they have to know when to migrate, how to prepare themselves physically for the long journey, and where to go!
In short, a bird is a badass!
Like my little flock of sparrows, I have gone through many ups and downs and have learned how to thrive and survive. And I know my Truth: “I am more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows.”
Yesterday, during my morning walk, I heard a song for the first time and it literally brought me to tears. Each word, along with the beautiful melody, spoke to me as if I had written it myself. Written by Colony House, it is so aptly entitled “Moving Forward”:
“I found life and I found laughter.
In forgiveness, I found rest.
On the shoulders of redemption,
I found hope when hope was dead.
I could lose it in a moment,
So I dare not close my eyes.
I'll watch fear fall with the sunset
And see hope rise with the tide.
And when the pain is true,
Sometimes these troubles prove that I'm alive.My eyes are open,
My heart is beating,
My lungs are full,
And my body's breathing.
I'm moving forward.
I found my freedom.
I know this sorrow.
I know the heartache.
I know with fear comes a tragic heartbreak.
Well I'm moving forward.
I found my freedom.
I found the life that gave the reason to love.”
