Replanting

On the eve of a new year, I face the next 12 months with hope. Equipped with a fresh-face (thanks to my new skincare products!) and a naive positivity.

Don’t you just love the endless possibilities that exist on New Year’s Eve?

“I’m going to start my new workout regimen!”

“I’m going to cut out all processed food and alcohol!"

“I’m going to set my alarm for 5:00 every morning for quiet time and meditation!”

Or, my personal favorite:

““This year will be my best yet!””

There are two kinds of people: those who run TOWARD God in hard times and those who run AWAY from Him. In the past, I always ran toward Christ in my suffering. In fact, it was the brutally difficult, sleepless, scary first months of motherhood that sent me running back to a relationship that I had slammed the door on many years prior. It was in my hard times that I realized my absolute need for Him in my life. So it seems a bit strange that this year of uncertainty and pain and loneliness actually muted my conversation with my One and Only.

To sum it up, my relationship with God this year has been a bit… strained. I’ve had a really hard time looking Him straight in the eyes.

I know that a lot of my feelings have to do with the ridiculous trust and faith I put in the church itself, rather than the One who made it. After being told that my extended family “wasn’t a good fit” for the house of the Lord, for reasons such as mental illness, differing viewpoints, and untapped spiritual gifts, we ended a 7-year relationship with our church home. The home that my atheist husband came to give his life to the Lord in, the one where all 5 of us were baptized in.

After a breakup like that, I didn’t know where to start to find a new church home. There is a definite loss that occurs during a spiritual breakup. A loss that a bowl of ice cream and a bottle of wine and a good cry can’t fix. Especially when you realize, like I did, that my relationship with Christ was anchored TOO much to the brick and mortar of it all.

So it only makes sense that I would feel this distance when, after having the physically-challenging year I’ve had, I didn’t know where to turn.

“It was as if I had planted my roots to a moving object rather than the true, stationary, never-changing foundation of my Creator.”

I used this past year as a time to focus on my career, my health, my self-esteem, and my family. And I am truly thankful - and PROUD! - of the growth I can see in myself.

But this coming year, the year of 2022, I will be wooing my first love. And in the process, hopefully cultivating my roots and planting them only in the rich soil of the Truth.