Inner Lies
Throughout the last 14 months in counseling, I have become very close with my “inner Christine.” She is my inner dialogue. She tells me when to listen, when to speak up, and when to run away. She’s been with me from the start and knows my life’s stories.
She is also a total bitch.
When my therapist first asked me about little miss inner voice, I had no idea what he was talking about! I kept envisioning a smaller, younger, broken version of myself that had died a long time ago. When he would ask me to “talk” to her, to assure her that everything was ok, and to come out of hiding, I couldn’t even make eye contact with the empty chair in front of me that held this so-called girl. Quite frankly, I found the entire exercise to be useless and stupid. And, bless his heart, my therapist could sense that in me. Knowing that I process easier through writing, he then instructed me to go home and write a letter to that 11 year old girl.
I began the excavation of her on the floor of my closet. I’ve been journaling and writing since elementary school and was able to pull out my journal entries dating as far back as the early 90’s! And what a gift it was to spend those hours reading through my whirlwind of emotions… from my first kiss to my first period to when my oldest brother moved out to when we moved to Texas from Florida to the day after my first date with Dan. For the majority of it all, I had very little memory of the things I talked about: the fights with friends or the bad grade from the mean teacher or the boy who sent me a note asking me to be his girlfriend. It was like watching a movie I’d never seen before. Except in this instance, the main character was ME.
Still puzzled by the concept of the “before” me, I then dug through photo albums attempting to match a face with the timeline of my journaling. But for those of us who didn’t grow up with social media and instant photos, there were very few photos to pull from and, even with the ones I found, I did not recognize the girl smiling back at me.
“I had successfully buried this little girl far below the surface; I couldn’t picture who she was or what she looked like or how she felt. ”
We’ve all heard the saying that we are our own worst critic. And this rings so true for me. So with that in mind, I’d like to formally introduce you to… La’Quisha.
La’Quisha is the name I have so lovingly endowed upon miss inner-Christine. For reasons beyond my comprehension, the image of my inner voice is an 11 year old black girl with tight braids, brightly colored fingernail polish, and a temper that could scare away the meanest bully at school. Throughout my day, she will be in the shadows of my thoughts, pointing and wagging her finger down at me, reminding me that I am no good. In fact, I am so far below the edge of good that I’m now hanging on by nothing but the tips of my fingers.
When one of my boys starts fighting with one of his brothers, La’Quisha is telling me that my parenting sucks and that I have woven hate into their very DNA.
When I crawl into an unmade bed to take a midday nap, La’Quisha is telling me that I’m lazy and unproductive.
When Dan approaches me to talk about our budget (Lord, help me), La’Quisha tells me that I’m an ungrateful wife who selfishly overspends.
When I had to close my piano studio last year due to my health struggles, La’Quisha told me that I’m useless and weak and a disappointment to everyone.
You get the picture. La’Quisha is the worst! In fact, as I’m typing those hurtful words, I am crying - I would NEVER speak to ANYONE that way. Ever! And yet, here I am, constantly beating myself up for reasons that are usually out of my control. It’s no wonder I struggle with self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy.
It’s also no wonder that these toxic words that have seeped into my soul are also responsible for the following statement:
““You must have done something real bad to deserve all of this pain.””
Oof. That one hurts.
On more than one occasion over the years, I have been approached with a suggestion of “repenting” in an effort to end my chronic illnesses. I’m starting to see why non-believers view God as an unrelenting punisher, cracking a whip and demanding perfection from his people. That’s not my God. My God is kind and loving and gentle and caring. He loves us with an unearthly love that supersedes any love we’ve ever known. That kind of thinking leads us to believe that bad things ONLY happen to bad people. False. In fact, no where in the Bible does God say that being a Christian allows for a stress- and pain-free life. However, He does teach us to lean on Him to gain the strength to overcome the dark and, more importantly, to glorify Him throughout the process.
This hurtful realization - that my inner voice is verbally abusing me at any chance she gets - has driven me to understand where these thoughts have come from.
Did you know that children are born with a natural egocentricity? According to the Swiss developmental psychologist Jean Piaget, from ages 2 through 7, children tend to view the outside world only as how it pertains to them. This is known as the Preoperational Stage or second stage in Piaget’s stages of cognitive development. During this time, children are very “Me, Myself & I” oriented. Therefore, if something negative happens in that young child’s life (such as some form of trauma), that child automatically believes it is their fault.
“It’s my fault that my mama forgot to pick me up from school. I must have done something to make her not love me anymore.”
“It’s my fault that my brother was punished for hitting me. I shouldn’t have tattled.”
When a child transitions out of this egocentric stage (between ages 7 and 11), they will then learn how to love and connect with others. This process also teaches them to love and respect themselves. However, if that child has experienced any form of trauma in their early development years, this will then affect the tone of their inner dialogue. When your sense of self has been compromised, you will often attempt to mold yourself into who you think others want or need you to be and lose sight of who you actually are. You will spend a lot of time striving for perfection to appease others and, more often than not, you will fail. Because that is an impossible task.
“Negative self-talk is when your inner voice is excessively negative, sounding more like an inner critic. It is pessimistic and focusses on the bad. It erodes your confidence and stops you from reaching your potential. It can make you feel like you are going to fail before you start.” - HealthDirect.gov.au
Now that I have come face to face with La’Quisha herself, I see a hurt, scared little girl who has never felt good enough, (i.e. strong, smart, pretty, successful enough). As much as this might hurt to realize, I believe it will help me to slowly heal and undo the emotional damage that she has caused me over the years. Maybe she just wanted a voice - a safe space to speak where she wouldn’t worry about offending or upsetting anyone. Or a space to cry and yell and argue.
The craziest part is that I alone can calm her down, therein calming myself down. I alone can retrain her negative self-talk so that she speaks with positive and self-affirming language. I just need to provide that safe space for her - to console and nurture her.
“LaQuisha, I understand why you’re upset. I understand why you feel the way you feel. I understand that you’ve been deeply affected and that’s why you have your defenses up. But it’s ok now. It’s safe to come out of hiding.”
When I give myself allowances to feel and to heal, I find I am able to give others that blessing as well. So today, I urge you to stop and listen to what your inner self is saying to you. Is it constructive and affirming? Or is it destructive and toxic? Don’t you think you deserve kindness and respect? Don’t limit your future potential with what your younger (and possibly hurt) self would allow.
““Because you, my girl, were made to do great things.””
