The Beginning

I am in a season. A season unlike any other I’ve ever been in. (And that’s saying a lot because, as you will soon learn, my seasons are unique and extreme.)

On my good days, I view this season as an opportunity to grow, learn, and gain strength. On my bad days, this season is an endless tunnel of darkness, pain, and struggles.

This month marks 9 months of unexplained illness. Nine months. Believe me, the fact that I’m officially “full term” is not lost on me as I am now “birthing” something brand new - a fresh perspective and gnawing desire to share my story with the world.

You’ve probably heard the saying that “everything happens for a reason”. I don’t know if I necessarily believe that. My motto is more along the lines of “find the why in all of the chaos”. And, more importantly, “use your story to glorify God”.

There. I said it. The “G” word. Yes, I am a believer. I am a daughter of Christ. But don’t exit the screen just yet. Even if you are not a believer, please stay awhile. You see, I’m not going to cram my beliefs down your throat because that’s not who I am. But I am going to be very real and honest about my very real and honest life struggles. So if anything were to scare you away, let it be that - a fear of vulnerability and total transparency.

It all started with a cold virus, a few weeks before Christmas. The cold turned into a sinus infection which then turned into a double ear infection and double ruptured eardrums which then turned into a neurological disorder. I’ve had more doctor appointments than I can count, taken more medications than I am comfortable admitting, and have met more medical specialists than I even knew existed. And yet, here I sit, still undiagnosed, waiting for complete relief, healing, and answers.

So I guess you could say this blog is my fidget spinner. (Please bare with me as I have 3 boys and so my references are still very much on a Paw Patrol and Pokemon level.) This blog will be my tool for staying focused on the end goal and to keep my fingers and mind busy.

I’ve gone through the 4 other stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression - and am now knee-deep in acceptance. I have now accepted the reality of the “loss” and the fact that nothing can change that reality. The “loss” is, of course, my former self.

I stumbled upon this Japanese proverb a few weeks ago and it felt like reuniting with a long lost friend. This idea speaks to my soul the way hearing your native tongue might speak to a traveler in a foreign country. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve fallen (both literally and figuratively) but I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve stood back up. Since staying in the fallen space is way easier, and at times more comfortable than standing back up, the moments of rising are much easier to appreciate. So I think it’s pretty darn important to acknowledge and talk about the standing up experiences.

Through this blog, I will share a lot about what I’ve gone through that has made me…ME. You’ll read about the good, the bad, the ugly, and maybe laugh a little along the way. I’m pretty hell-bent on finding a purpose in all of this so as of now, my purpose is to share, connect, and hopefully heal from the inside out. I’d love it if you would join me.