The Grass is Angrier
Allow me to get a little sad for a moment. A little pathetic, perhaps.
“I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.”
There isn’t a fancy spin to put on those words, no lighthearted joke, no peaceful Bible verse. Just truth mixed with some anger. I am grumpy and irritable and downright pissed.
I am battling some serious FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) emotions right now. I look at everyone around me and it feels like life is moving on… without me… while I’m just STUCK.
I will allow the logical part of my mind to take over for approximately 5.5 seconds: I am fully aware that EVERYONE is going through their own seasons and some are MUCH WORSE than mine. So yes, I am thankful for my ability to wake up each day, breathe, smile, LIVE. But again, this is not the time for logical thinking. Because I am human, after all.
Valentine’s Day was about 2 weeks ago. Maybe you woke up to flowers or chocolates or breakfast in bed. Maybe you wined-and-dined with your love. Maybe you snuggled close on the couch, drinking wine, ordering takeout. But I’ll bet none of you did anything quite as “adventurous” as I did: I had a lip biopsy. Yup. I VOLUNTARILY went to a doctor where he cut my lip open to remove several salivary gland samples to be examined under a microscope. And then when he was done carving tissue out of my inner lip, he stitched me up and sent me on my way.
I think I “took the cake” that day. Make it gluten-free cake, please.
Since that day, I’ve also gone through another delightful “cleanse” to then swallow the much-anticipated camera pill. My boys got a kick out of knowing there was a pill traveling through my digestive system, taking thousands of pictures that were being sent to a receiver I wore around my waist. The goal of this high-tech fashion statement was to verify whether or not I have Celiac Disease or if I have another form of IBD (Inflammatory Bowel Disorder), such as Crohn’s or Colitis. Time will tell.
I also met with my rheumatologist this past week to go over all of my test results and was told that I have inflammation all throughout my body (which COULD be the cause of my debilitating headaches). He ruled out Sjogren’s Syndrome (one of the autoimmune disorders I mentioned here) but wants to continue to monitor me and perform blood tests every 4-6 months until my numbers either go up or down. He suspects that Lupus and/or Multiple Sclerosis might be on the horizon but cannot yet confirm or rule anything out. This information hit me in the face like a frying pan.
“So what you’re saying is that I’m just waiting around for bad news?”
His response: “Yeah, I guess so.”
I don’t often go through these woe-is-me phases. In fact, I am usually quite positive and optimistic about my circumstances. (And I only have my faith in Christ to thank for that.) Funny enough, whenever I get bad news or am told about another test or procedure they would like to perform, I usually end up in a fit of laughter (which completely freaks out my husband!). For whatever reason, it is my go-to reaction when bad news strikes. During one of my most recent bouts of hysterics, Dan asked me, “Why are you laughing?! What is so funny?!” And my response?
““I have to laugh. Because otherwise I’d cry.””
During the week following my lip biopsy, I felt the dark cloud of negativity and pessimism approach me, almost like the monster that tip-toes behind the character in a Saturday morning cartoon. And I felt powerless to stop it. I stopped reaching out to my tribe, I stopped my daily quiet time, I stopped plastering a smile on my face. And I allowed myself one HOT MINUTE to dwell in the dark place. And, while I felt semi-guilty for the brooding, I felt a strange sense of approval there, almost like I had earned my spot in that darkness.
In whatever we are going through, we all need that time of reflection and, sometimes, ruefulness. The important part is to not allow yourself to STAY in that mindset.
It’s all about balance. I don’t think it’s healthy to live in one extreme or another. I’d hate to permanently reside in positivity or negativity - in hopefulness or hopelessness. Dan refers to this in-between state as realism. And maybe that’s what I’ve been missing all along: the realistic approach to my “new normal”.
I cannot continue to longingly desire for what others around me have/do/work toward. Because their reality is not my own; and vice versa (although WHO in their right mind would be longing for my current reality?!) Everyone else’s path in life will always look different than my own. Because God created us all to serve a different purpose here on earth.
““Just as our bodies have many parts and each part has a special function, so it is with Christ’s body. We are many parts of one body, and we all belong to each other.””
If we spend all of our time focusing on the “greener grass” of our neighbor’s yard, we will miss the full potential our own yard has to offer! Yes, it may take some landscaping, watering, fertilizing, but in the end, it is OUR yard, perfectly picked by God for us.
As hard as it may be to stop the jealousy that comes with those dreaded FOMO thoughts, try to focus on the "greener” aspects of your own life - the blessings that already surround you.
